


Both

by EntreNous



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Amusement Parks, Episode: s05e03 The Replacement, Humor, M/M, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-04
Updated: 2006-04-04
Packaged: 2017-12-08 17:32:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/764090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EntreNous/pseuds/EntreNous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riley might want to try out some experiments on the two Xanders, but it turns out they have other ideas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Both

**Author's Note:**

> My contribution for [The Replacement Celebration: A Two Xanders Are Better Than One Brouhaha](http://entrenous88.livejournal.com/376375.html). Mount Gushmore is a borrowed name -- it's a feature at Disney World.

When Riley finishes thanking his former second-reader for the chance to book the space at the psych lab, the two Xanders are already seated on the same side of the table. They're speaking to one another with enthusiasm and animation, very nearly at the same time. For a moment he has the impression that they're singing in rounds, words weaving together in tripping harmony.

"You guys ready to start?" Riley asks. He sets a stack of folders down on the table and takes his place opposite to them.

"Depends. You remember how to do this kind of thing?" one asks. He winks at Riley and then makes a kind of "Go Team!" hand gesture.

Riley tries a smile, aware that it might be more like a grimace. "Yeah, well. It has been a while since I've interviewed subjects or worked with data. But I think I know the gist."

"And you wouldn't rather, say, see if there's a fun marathon on Sci-Fi?" the other asks. The first perks up.

Riley clears his throat. "Giles has to keep on researching the reincorporation. And while the two of you are separated, you're a little unstable. Since I volunteered to keep an eye on you, I thought I could run an experiment or two, and it'd be sort of . . . fun."

"Sure, a regular blast and a half,” one agrees.

Riley raises his eyebrows. “If you don’t want to, I can always take you back to help out with the book stuff.”

“Oh, no,” the other Xander laughs. “No need for that. We're so completely ready for the mind shrinking. Go crazy, Doctor Freud.”

The other snickers and then repeats "Crazy Dr. Freud."

"Very funny. You guys kill me," Riley mutters. "Now, if I could have you both --"

"We almost killed each other," one of the Xanders says helpfully. "With a gun."

Riley pauses. "Yeah, I remember." Maybe instead of jumping right into the questionaires and trials, he should start with some basic observation. He uncaps his pen and opens a notepad.

"What do you think would have happened?" one asks the other. "If we'd shot each other."

The second chews on his lower lip and then bounces upright in his seat. Riley can almost picture a cartoon lightbulb going off above his head. "Well, I guess it'd be like murder. Which hey, I would have been willing to live with, if you turned out to be Demon Boy Xander. Killing demons isn't murder, it's . . ." He stops, uncertain. "Demon-dor," he concludes.

"They would have locked you away," the first says with satisfaction. "On account of how I'm so obviously not a demon."

Xander . . . one of them . . . snorts. "Yeah, right. Like I'd serve time for offing myself."

"Only if I shot you or you shot me, it'd be like you shooting you, or me shooting me. So not so much murder as suicide."

"Right, yeah. But what would have _happened_?"

"Oh, you mean --" the other Xander interrupts, his index finger extended, his thumb up as though it's cocked. "With the me being you and you being me thing." They raise their eyebrows at one another.

"And now so very glad that we didn't pull the trigger."

"Maybe we'd poof out of existence."

"At the same time?"

"Sure. On account of us being two halfs, one half actually shot, the other un-shot but still the other half to the whole of the other."

"What?" Riley asks. He's starting to feel a little dizzy.

"Before or after the gun splattered our guts on the wall?" the other Xander asks with interest. "The poofing."

Xander laughs. "I say after."

"I say after too," the other says immediately.

"Gross." It's simultaneous. They grin at each other.

Riley laughs nervously. They turn to him and beam. "Yeah. Good thing that didn't happen, huh?"

The Xanders nod emphatically.

"So," Xander one cracks his knuckles. "You're going to run us through a maze or something?"

"Like with rats," adds the other.

"No, not like that," Riley says. "We're going to run through a standard experiment --"

"Oh, do I get to shock him?" one of them asks all of a sudden. Riley scribbles “aggressive tendencies” on the notepad.

"What? If anything, I get to shock you," the other one says. "And I'm going to start with the highest level of shock, so watch out."

"Nobody is going to be shocking anybody," Riley says in a firm voice.

The Xanders are silent at this. After a moment, Riley realizes that they're almost pouting. "Why?" they ask together.

"Because it's not -- listen, just hold on for a second while I explain everything, and then you can ask all the questions you want."

Xander one looks at Xander two, and they each roll their eyes a little.

"Okay? I mean, it's not really . . . scientific so much, but I guess I was thinking, what with you two more or less . . ."

"Sharing a brain?" One of the Xanders contributes.

"Kind of." Riley shifts uncomfortably. "Why don’t we just start with --"

He's interrupted by one of the Xanders socking the other in the shoulder. "Why are you hitting yourself?" the pugilistic Xander asks with a grin before doing it again. "Why do you keep hitting yourself?"

They laugh helplessly, and Riley excuses himself from the room.

"Hey, listen," he asks one of the undergrad assistants walking by. "Do you have anything for subjects who are a little . . . agitated?"

"Oh, like a mild sedative?" she asks. She peers around him to the glass window and starts when she sees that one of the Xanders has the other in a friendly headlock. They're laughing like a couple of hyenas as the headlock seems to segue into a tickle fight. "Yeah, sure. Dr. Randall has something for this sort of situation. I can give them some Cokes that'll mask the taste. It'll just mellow them out a little."

"Great," he says with relief. He feels a twinge of guilt, but the two of them are like toddlers with ADD in overdrive, and it's not like Ritalin would kick in fast enough to let him run the tests. Besides, if Giles and Willow were coming up empty-handed research wise, then maybe some of the psych results would help put the two of the Xanders back together.

He takes a break, going outside for a second before heading into the men's room to splash some water on his face. It's not only the Double-the-Xander effect getting to him. There's a conversation looming between him and Buffy, and much as he knows they have to have it, much as he knows he's the one who'll have to start it, he's dreading the outcome. It's made him a little shaky and off all week, klutzy and distracted.

"Okay," he says when he gets back inside.

There are two empty cups in front of them, and a full larger one on his side of the table.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Oh, that girl brought us Cokes, so we told her to bring you one too," one of the Xanders replies.

"Thanks." He is pretty thirsty, so he takes a sip, then downs it in a few gulps.

"That was fast," one of them says, impressed. "We should have a contest later."

"If there's time," Riley says. He hopes it's a patient voice that he's using.

"Never seems like there's enough time for the fun stuff," one Xander observes.

"Sometimes there is," the other one murmurs. He jerks his head in Riley's direction and smiles widely.

Riley shakes his head. It's like everything has slowed down, as though the voices he hears have been pitched lower, and lower still.

Then everything gets hazy.

* * *

When he wakes up, he's in the back seat of his car. Both of the windows have been rolled down a few inches, and there's a folded jacket behind his head.

He coughs and sits up. His tongue is thick cotton in his mouth. "What the hell?" he asks no one in particular.

In the cup holders in the front seat there are Slurpees, half empty and beaded with moisture. From the smell of them, cherry-flavored.

When he stumbles out on shaky legs, he realizes that he's in a large parking lot. The sections appear to be marked with signs of various cartoon characters wearing old-fashioned swimsuits.

"You okay, buddy?" a man passing by asks. He has a small child holding each of his hands, and all three of them have towels around their necks.

"Yeah, thanks," Riley answers. He squints at the kids and asks, "Did you have a lot of fun on the . . . uh . . . the uh . . ."

"The waterslides," the boy yells. He jumps up and down in flip-flops while his sister yawns.

"I liked the wave pool," she says just before she throws up on the asphalt.

* * *

It takes him ten minutes to reach the gates, and twenty dollars to enter.

Once he's inside he stops, feeling dumbfounded as to where to begin looking for him. Them. But after he starts walking, it's clear enough from the way two figures in matching Hawaiian print board shorts are waving at him frantically from the top of Mount Gushmore.

They go down side-by-side, laughing and splashing in the pool.

When they climb out, he clenches his fists as he tries to decide what to do. Call Buffy? No, she has enough to worry about with things at home. Get in touch with Giles? Probably better to leave him alone so the research can get done. Tell the Xanders he's taking them back to the lab?

By the time they reach him, he doesn't have the heart. One is shaking the wet hair out of his eyes with a grin while the other is gesturing excitedly at the row of snack bars nearby.

"You want to go on the flume?" one asks him before grabbing his arm and tugging. "All three of us can go at the same time."

"You drugged me," Riley says stupidly.

"You were going to drug us," the other Xander points out. "And this is better than experiments and research."

Riley sighs and lets himself be pulled along to the flume ride.

* * *

Later they go to the new apartment, both of the Xanders exclaiming over the king-sized bed that's been delivered during the day.

"How'd the guy from the store get in?" one asks.

"The doorman, remember?"

"Right! Snazzy." They elbow each other.

"Do you want to call Anya?" Riley asks. He's hovering at the doorway to the bedroom, unsure if he should stay or go.

The Xanders exchange looks. "Yeah, not going to be needing to do that anymore," one of them says finally.

"Oh," Riley says, then, "Oh! I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well." The other Xander shrugs while his twin studies the carpet in front of his feet.

Riley nods uselessly. "So. I should probably head out."

"Really? No. Hang out with us," one says.

"Yeah?" He shifts back and hears his sneaker squelch.

"You need dry clothes," one points out.

"And we all need showers," the other observes.

"We'll go first," they say together.

* * *

Riley wanders around the apartment while the shower is running. The chatter keeps up even over the stream of water, like two big exotic birds flapping around together in a waterfall.

There's not much to see in the new place yet, but Riley is examining the dishwasher and mentally pricing what a unit in this building would cost him when he hears a yelp.

"Hey, you okay?" he calls out then hurries towards the bathroom.

There's a second cry. It's softer, surprised sounding, but obviously not from anyone having hit his head against the wall or slipping on the tiles. When it ends, it sounds more like a moan. Then another one joins it, a low murmur. Quiet laughter follows.

He backs away from the doorway, a little more slowly than he means to. It's not like he doesn't, when he's by himself, but . . . this is and is not different from that. After a beat he goes back to the kitchen to peer blankly at the garbage disposal.

A while later, the Xanders emerge, wearing towels slung low on their hips and blushing a little as they explain to him that there's another clean towel in there if he wants to use it.

He takes the shower as fast as he can.

* * *

When he walks back out, one of them waves him towards a pair of shorts and a t-shirt inside on the bed he can change into while the other covers the receiver with his palm and asks him if he wants Mu Shu Pork or Sweet and Sour Chicken.

A half hour later they're sitting on the floor, eating egg rolls and handing around Cokes.

"Nothing kooky in this one," one of them says as he hands Riley the can and nudges.

"Ha ha," he says, but he grins.

"What were you going to do with us after you drugged us?" the other asks. He's leaning back now, propped up on his elbows, and when Riley looks at him he waggles his eyebrows just for a second.

"Just . . . ask you some questions, really," he says. They each give him a look. "Okay, so maybe that was a jerky thing to do, but you've got to admit that you too can be really --"

"Hyper?"

"Spazzy?"

"Wacky fun?"

"A hilarious comic team?"

"Devilishly handsome?"

"Annoying," Riley corrects them, and their faces fall. "But more because of me than you," he adds in a quiet voice. "Things have been a little weird lately." After a moment they both nod.

"Things okay with the Buffster?" one of them asks. The other watches him with a keen eye.

"Yeah. No. I don't know." He exhales. "I think it's over." As soon as the words leave his mouth, he knows that he's right.

"You positive about that?" one of them asks in a careful voice.

He dips his head down for a moment and then nods. "Yeah."

Which one of them kisses him first, he's not sure. But before long they're moving together on the floor, the three of them wincing a little at the carpet against their skin. Soon they head into the bedroom, and Riley finds himself at the center of two very enthusiastic guys who are obviously all about making him feel good.

* * *

"So what happens after we get put back?" Xander asks. "You know. One regular Xander."

They're lying together in a tangle. Someone's arm is thrown over his waist, and someone's leg is under his. Riley can feel his eyes closing, and he's grinning in the dark.

"Don't ask questions like that," the other Xander advises. "It makes you sound like a girl."

"Hey! I resent that. I won't take that kind of talk from anyone now, least of all me."

"We'll just have to see what happens," Riley says. It seems to be the right answer, because they settle down a little more.

"Do you think it'll be tomorrow?" one asks. His words slur a little. "The putting back together of us?"

"If not, let's go back to the water slide park," the other suggests. He follows up with an enormous yawn.

"No, mini-golfing this time," the first says. "Or bowling."

"Both," the other offers as negotiation.

"Both, definitely," Riley agrees just before he falls asleep.


End file.
